How to Be More Assertive When You Have a Controlling Boss

How to Be More Assertive When You Have a Controlling Boss Assertiveness is something were taught about from the time were kids were taught that assertiveness means being bossy. When you were growing up, if you were like fruchtwein little kids, you were probably very clear about what you wanted and not shy about asking for it. Hey everybody, were going to climb that hill over there. Now. Come on, lets do it And off you ran with the other kids mumbling under their breath about how bossy you were.The next time, one of them said it out loud, telling you, Youre so bossy I dont want to do that And, unfortunately, if you wereoften bossy, its likely that the teacher heard about it, too, and may have even mentioned it to your parents who then scolded you at home.And so, you are silenced.Lets say you made it through the tweens unscathed. Another hurdle welches the teenage years. You becomesoconcerned that your friends wont like you anymora that even the slightest hint that you are too bossy m akes you change your behavior,tone of voice, eye contact, body language and overall communication style. You try to fit in and not hurt other peoples feelings.Are your parents/friends/teachers/other people trying to silence you? No Its just that criticism doesnt always go hand in hand with explanations about how you can more effectively lead. Why? They dont always know how, so they cant tell you how.We end up silenced adults, unaya about how to voice our opinions without coming across as you guessed it, bossy. One of those assertive people in life with too much confidence.Enter your boss, a controlling type. Shes sometimes called bossy, too, but she wasnt silenced. Shes very clear about what she wants and spends all day telling you what to do.A passive person who works for a controlling personfaces a special kind of misery. So how can you be more assertive with this other person in your workplace situation?1.Be clear about what you want.Start by being clear in your own mind about wh at you want.Lets say your boss wants to review your emails before you send them to clients.You go home every night and complain that your boss is so controllingThink about what you actually want in this situation. Do you want to be able to send emails without having her review them?Be sure that what you want is actionable. That is, it must be something that your boss cando. Saying, I want you to stop being controlling is too vague. But saying, Id like to be able to send these emails without you having to review them is clear.Once youre clear about what you want, think about whatthey want.2.Understand their why.Why is your boss asking to review your emails? Dont just guess, because most of the time your guess will be wrong. The only way you can know for sure is toask her.Start with, Im curious which helps you come across as actually curious rather than defensive. Compare, Im curiouswhy do you want to read my emails to clients before I send them? versus, Why do you want to read my ema ils to clients before I send them?3. Listen to the reasons.Once you ask why, youll start to understand the deeper reasons behind a controlling persons behavior.Sometimes the answers will be related to a bad experience she had, My last assistant sent emails full of grammar mistakes to our clients and it was so embarrassing.Is very different from, I want to be sure youre saying the right thing.Which is different from, I almost got fired last year when my assistant sent the wrong price quote to a client.Now that you know what the issue is, you can come up with solutions4. Ask what it would take.Start brainstorming solutions to controlling behaviors. Your script might sound like this, I understand that youre afraid Ill say the wrong thing. Id like to be able to send these emails without you reading them. What would it take for me to show you that I can do this?Or, What would it take for you to feel confident that Im ready?Asking for the other person to think through what it would take f or you to take control will help them feel like they have control over the process of letting go.And voila, youve asserted yourself without being bossy or aggressiveThree tips to being more assertive...1.Stop using softeners.When you live in a world where being likable is as important as being competent, youre walking on a high wire that at times feels impossible to steady. Dont say this or Say it that way becomes overwhelmingRemoving some common softeners will help you come across as more confident and assertive.Some of the softeners most commonly used are words like, just as in, I just need a few minutes of your time, or Im just checking in on that project.What to say instead Id like ten minutes of your time or Id like an update on that project.A little bit as in, Can I get a little bit of feedback? or Id like a little bit of your time next week or Id like to present a little bit of data in the meeting today.What to say instead Id like your feedback or Id like to get half an hour on your calendar next week or Id like to present the top three points of data in the meeting today.Im sorry when used for anything other than an actual apology, as in, Im sorry, can I get a few minutes on your calendar today? or Im sorry, I have an idea or Im sorry, I was in the middle of a sentence when you interrupted me.What to say instead Just remove the Im sorry part and youre good to go2.Dont take no personally.When you have a controlling boss, you will likely have to ask multiple times to get what you want. Part of asserting yourself is understanding that its usually not about you.When you get a no, rather than assuming the worst, ask why.Rather than going to the dark side and assuming you did something wrong, use the same skill you learned in section 1 and ask, Im curious... whyLets say you asked your controlling boss if you can have the authority to sign for deliveries. She says, No. Instead of spiraling into self-doubt, knowing that of you hadnt spilledt coffee on that cli ent report last week, shed trust you to do this askIm curious, why wont you let me sign for deliveries?Listen to her response.3. Be resilient and ask again.After youve found out the real reason behind a no, use, What would it take to get agreement on next steps.In our example above, your next step is to ask, What would it take for mebe to show you that I can do this?Get specific action steps to prove youre ready to be trusted.Dont give up It may take you many times to start using these tips and scripts in a confident way. New behaviors take practice for you to feel comfortable and for them to work.Nothing works 100 percent of the time in life, but even if these tips and scripts on how to be more assertive with your communication style, tone of voice, body language and eye contact only work some of the time, youll find yourself feeling more confident and become a more assertive person in the end. And, yes, you can even become an assertive person with a controlling bossWhat tips do yo u have for people looking to work on their assertive communication and assertive behavior?--Melissa Hereford is a negotiation expert who will teach you to respond clearly, calmly, and effectively so you can get more of what you want, all while building stronger relationships. Get your free negotiation script athttp//MelissaHereford.com.